As played by Ossie Davis, this JFK is regal and staid, but he’s also something of an ass kicker. There’s no way that some dead dusty guy covered in bandages is going to take over the home. So JFK and Elvis team up to prevent just that from happening.

Sure, it’s a bit thin for a plot of a movie – at least it appears that way – but there’s a large chunk missing from the description. Because in a very real way, Bubba Ho-tep is about growing old, being forgotten, and being discarded like human refuse. The strange thing about the film is that it’s not just another instant cult film. The film has an emotional resonance that goes beyond silly action-horror. Although you won’t exactly cry during Bubba Ho-Tep, you’ll feel a connection with an old, fat, Elvis punching a mummy, and you’ll understand the anger and excitement in growing old.

Bruce is really great and gives a more nuanced performance (despite the fact that he’s playing a huge, Elvis with giant be-dazzled aviator glasses.) His longing for his life left behind is actually tangible, and it definitely leaves you to wonder if maybe this is indeed the way that Elvis is living now, because he was tired of his life and tired of his life of luxury.

But if the movie was all contemplation and reflection, I don’t suspect that I’d be too interested in such a weird thing. Because at it’s heart, it’s a movie about kicking mummy ass. The two men triumph over their own infirmities in order to conquer evil. There’s not much more joyful than that.

Movie Grade: A-

Video: 4 out of 5
It’s nice, but purposefully grainy. The colors run from deep browns to bright yellows, with little play in between. A very monochromatic looking film.
Widescreen Anamorphic – 1.85:1

Audio: 5 out of 5
A great grade, especially considering the indie roots. The surrounds get plenty of workout, with no scarab beetle scurry left unheard.
English (Dolby 5.1)

Extras: 4 out of 5
The commentaries: the track with Bruce and director Don Coscarelli is not to be missed. They cover all the bases of making an independent film, and in that way is a perfect companion to the Evil Dead commentaries. The “Bruce as Elvis” track isn’t great, but I guess it’d be hard to Vamp as Elvis for an hour and a half. The Making of Bubba Ho-tep is 25 minutes of pretty good behind the scenes, and gives some great information about the genesis of the project. Next are three featurettes which run about 20 minutes total, and cover the mummy creation, Elvis costumes and the music in the film. One of my favorite extras has the writer of the short story (Joe Lansdale) reading his very graphic (and funny) first section of Elvis vs. The Mummy. I’ll never look at Elvis’s twig and berries the same way. Finally, there are a few scattered and short deleted scenes, and some galleries.

Overall: 4 out 5
Bubba Ho-tep is the perfect combination of a film with some great work by Bruce and Ossie, and culty-action-horror. Recommended for all die-hard horror fans, and those who love to see Campbell camp it up.

The problem with the movie is that it isn’t edgy enough to be a cult it or bad enough to be mocked mercilessly like Swept Away. On the other hand, it really isn’t all that good – it’s not funny, it’s not romantic and it’s not dramatic, despite trying to be all three.

It’s a failure because it was a movie with so much potential. Featuring three leads who have been nominated for Academy Awards and a veteran actor/director behind the camera, the movie really had everything going for it. Even the script show some hints of brilliance. But for some reason, when all of the elements are mixed together, it becomes a terrible combination.

And it’s not like the cast is terrible either. Sure, Williams is his usual over-the-top self, but that’s what we’ve come to expect. Edward Norton is perhaps a little miscast as the down to earth children’s performer and Catherine Keener really doesn’t get to show off all of her skills. But maybe that’s what makes the movie so bad – a lot of little missteps and mistakes that ultimately add up to one bad movie.

Movie Grade: C-

Video: 4 out of 5
The transfer is really good. The black levels are nice and dark, skin tones balanced and the crazy colors of the set come through bright and shiny.
Widescreen anamorphic – 1:85:1

Audio: 4 out of 5
The tracks have great range, some nice base and are general well imaged between the front tracks.
English (Dolby Digital 5.1), French (Dolby Digital 5.1)

Extras: 4 out of 5
There’s quite a few nice supplements. Although DeVito doesn’t always make for the most interesting speaker, he does acknowledge the movie’s failure. Recorded separately from the Director of Photography, the commentary is well cut together, and gives a ton of really nice practical and technical hints on the making of a movie. Perhaps it’s a little more geared towards the film student crowd, rather than the casual fan. There’s deleted scenes, a nice behind the scenes featurette, bloopers, and boatloads of photos and art. The disc is a single disc in a keep case.

Overall: 3 out of 5
If not for the nice supplements, this disc would have received a much lower score. Rent this disc to satisfy your curiosity factor, but don’t buy it unless you’re a film nerd.

Year: 2002
Directed by: Danny DeVito
Written by: Adam Resnick
Starring: Robin Williams, Edward Norton and Catherine Keener
Details: 109 mins / Warner Bros. / Rated R

But House of the Dead takes that vaguely promising setup, and if it’s possible, makes it even more boring and incomprehensible. There’s not even a house in House of the Dead, nor are there police officers that shoot zombies. But there are zombies, (even though they are inexplicably Spanish conquistador zombies that wear helmets and look like Hernan Cortes). In a retarded, inbred version of every horror movie that has come before it, a group of Canadian teens-twenty-somethings go to an island where a huge rave is taking place. Lets forget for a moment that raves are so incredibly lame I can’t figure out why so many people would be inclined to gather for one in this day and age. Things indeed get off to a rousing, boring start as the kids party, disappear and are later joined by the main protagonists, whose names and likenesses I can’t remember.

Granted, I saw this movie more than a few weeks ago, but I had forgotten about it while I was watching the film. So here we go: I hated this movie and could barely pay attention. It’s a complete waste of celluloid that
no one should be subjected to. Playing to its videogame roots, the film actually incorporates footage from the game into the movie. Acting as some kind of little buffer between scenes of extreme shitiness, the videogame clips only serve to piss you off even more. You wish that you were in some arcade playing the game, rather than watching this movie. The awful Germanic filmmaker / sadist Uwe Boll, also likes to torture us relentlessly with shots that circle around the character. Fine it looks cool… the first time. But after about the thirtieth go-round, you realize that a circular dolly track with a high frame rate gets dull very fast.

I’m not kidding when I write this: people get killed, fight zombies and that’s it. That’s it!

I wish I had more to say about House of the Dead, but the depravity and hubris from which it was hatched make me wish that I wasn’t the samespecies as the people that launched this project. The only possible redemption of this movie is the naked breasts of some nubile Canadian girl, but alas that too is fleeting. The worst part of it all: because of some “clever” plot machinations, they’ve left the door opened for a sequel. I’m sorry Canada, this is one door that I’m going to close.

Movie Grade: F

Video: 3 out of 5
Whatever. I’m still pissed off about this movie.
Anamorphic Widescreen – 1.85:1

Audio: 4 out of 5
There are a few pretty aggressive tracks here, but most notably is the English 6.1 DTS ES track which is good, but not as aggressive as it could be.
English (6.1 DTS ES), English (Dolby Digital 5.1 EX), English (Dolby
Digital 2.0 Stereo)

Extras: 2 out of 5
Two commentary tracks, the first with the arrogant and foreign crew, the second with the producer. Uwe Boll seems to think his movie is great, yet knows embarrassingly little about it. It’s like they needed a warm body behind the camera. Producer Altman’s track is no more interesting (he’s a Harvey Weinstein type – blustering and bellowing about how good his movie is), but at least he acknowledges the fact that it didn’t
make any money. Deleted scenes – short and crappy. “Behind the House: Anatomy of the Zombie Movement” 30 minutes featuring interviews with George Romero (Night of Living Dead), Savini and a few other folks involved in zombie flicks. It’s a cursory glance, with plenty of bullshitting from the House of the Dead folks, but even this is at least twice as good as the actual movie. The worst extra by far is “Stacked for Zom-Bat: The Sexy Babes of House of the Dead Prepare for Battle!” which simply follows the seemingly indifferent lead actresses as they play the House of the Dead videogame, pose for photos and then give a half-hearted effort at paintballing. One question: WHY DID THEY WASTE SO MUCH MONEY DICKING AROUND WITH PAINTBALL? PUT THAT MONEY INTO THE FLICK, YOU DUMB BASTARDS!

Overall: 0 out of 5
No one should own or watch this movie. For eternity.

It all starts a little fuzzy. That’s because I’m not going to waste my time watching this episode for the 3rd time this week, just because I want to review it on this stupid little site. I think it starts as Jessie complains to Zack, Slater and Screech, that’s she’s just real busy with school right now. Jessie seems to have a lot on her plate. The ever so helpful Screech makes a whining, over the top comment and the audience titters. The scene continues.

The other two sexy girls on the show, Kelly and Lisa take a long boring walk in the background of the Maxx and put a nickel in the jukebox. Luckily, they manage to find the Pointer Sisters song “I’m So Excited,” out of date even when the show first aired. They walk up to Jessie and begin snapping their fingers in time with the music. Then they goad Jessie into singing along with them. The whole cast looks amazingly uncomfortable as they warble out the songs. The audience, clever puppets that they are, release monkey shrills and claps at the completion of the performance. Jessie proclaims that she indeed feels better. But not for long – for Miss Spano will soon enter into a heart of caffeine darkness.

Zack helpfully explains that he has an uncle or other molest-worthy relative who is looking for a girl group “like the New Kids on the Block.” The audience laughs when AC explains, “Yeah, except the new chicks on the block.” Ha. Sometime later Jessie finds out that she’s not doing so well in one of her classes. She doesn’t quite have a straight A average, and she definitely needs one to get in Stanford. So she decides to study real hard. Unfortunately, her burgeoning musical career needs some study time too. At Zack’s suggestion, Lisa, Kelly and Jessie are “The Hot Sundaes” and soon will make their industry appearance in front of a panel of non-SAG actors who don’t have any lines. But first their music video. “Get down to it / Go for it / Come on and break a sweat / Rock and Roll / You ain’t seen nothing yet.” And so go the words for the fantastic Hot Sundaes video. I don’t think I’d reached puberty when this show first hit the air, because if I had, I would have instantly been enthralled by the three girls, dancing around in gaudy 80′s leotards and jumping up and down on trampolines. I’m not kidding. Plus, the song has those unfortunate hooks that stick in your head… much like the vision of a pre-breast implant Tiffany-Amber Thiessen doing jumping jacks sticks in mine. The video contains so many wonderful moments: the girls’ superimposed faces a la Hall and Oates’ “Maneater” video, the quick cuts of the girls in different outfits. You name the 80′s video cliche, this video contained it. Make no mention of the fact that the episode aired in the 90′s (which, by a quick check… wait a minute. This is too great to be coincidence. The show first went on the air November 3rd, 1990. This also happened to be my birthday – my 12th! No wonder I love this so much. It was a fine Saturday, my birthday. I awoke early and watched Saved by the Bell like so many other Saturdays. I wonder if I was cynical back then. Probably. This plot is so ridiculous, I couldn’t imagine how I could have been fooled into thinking it was even somewhat believable.)

With such a busy schedule, Jessie has begun to pop caffeine pills in order to study all day and sing all evening. Slater finds out about her burgeoning drug addiction, so he tells her that “those things are trouble.” No-Doze is like Vicodin, I’m telling you. Jessie nods her head. Of course – why would such a smart girl do something as stupid as take a handful of No-Doze because she’s busy for a week? In particularly frightening scene, Jessie sits in an empty hallway, sneaks a look around her and pops a pill. ‘No Jessie!’ you will cry, as you begin to see her descent into madness. Later, Slater confronts Zack about Jessie’s drug use, which he refuses to believe for some reason. “She’s my friend!” Zack loudly screams to the be-mulleted Mario Lopez. Zack must have alcoholic parents, because he’s an enabler in the very worst way.

Finally the day of reckoning comes. It’s the big audition day, but it’s also the day of that major test that Jessie has been up studying for a week. In the classroom, Jessie twitches and speaks much too loudly as she proudly finishes her test with what appears to be 100 percent correctness. Well by-gummit, the little druggy has really done it! Now all she has to do is finish the audition and her plan for Bayside domination is complete. Alas, that is not to be.

Our next scene opens on Jessie asleep on the bed. Zack enters the room eager to wake her. The audition is about to start. Jessie groggily wakes up and begins to spout useless math terms like a drunken Einstein. Zack tells her that she’s confused and she already had the test. She needs to get ready but Zack tells her that there’s no time. And then begins what is possibly the best loved acting exchanges in all of Saved by the Bell-um.

Jessie: “No time! No time! There’s never enough time!”
Zack: “C’mon Jessie! You have to sing!”
Jessie: “Sing? Sing? I’m so excited! I’m so excited! I’m so…scared!”

Jessie collapses into Zack’s arms where he begins to tell her about the good times they had together when they were young. Not the best time to hit on a woman, but you go ahead and do your thing Zack. Meanwhile, at the Maxx, The Hot Sundaes perform with Screech in Jessie’s role. This is stupid beyond the use of words. So is the end of the episode, where the gang gathers around Jessie’s bed. She’s getting help she tells the gang. End of episode.

For some unknown reason, this episode has stuck in the mind of many a Gen-Xer who was suckled on the teat of mother television every Saturday. OK, I know the reason: it’s really overly dramatic and it contains references to everything hated about the 80′s: New Kids on the Block, bad music videos, Just Say No campaigns, bad nerd jokes. But through all this hatred, it still holds a place in my stubborn cynical heart.

Jessie’s Song? No…our song…