Troy Patterson’s piece on Double Shot of Love, the new MTV dating show, had me nearly crying with laughter. Rarely is a television show so perfectly described as it is here.

The twins insist on the cast’s sex appeal relentlessly, pleading with the audience to disbelieve its libido. Still, the slatternly attire and attitudes of the women will suffice to captivate the core demographic—that is, semi-tumescent ninth-graders and the girls who seek their attention by making out with other girls at keg parties.

But somewhere along the way, maybe it was halfway through the second season, already complex plots became inhumanely more complex. Plot holes opened up like the blooming of flowers after a cool spring rain. Characters died and came to life through some loophole in the rules that were set forth earlier. Essentially, we as viewers felt screwed.

It’s made all the more frustrating because the cast is truly stellar for the most part, with only a modicum of soap opera acting which with to be distracted. Though something like that is expected for a show about people that can fly.

This season is easily the show’s worst. More than once, I was minutes away from switching the channel and canceling my season pass, yet I still hold on. I pay attention. I’m no idiot. Yet I still cannot divine the complex plot machinations, double crosses and motivations doing what they do.

So that’s a long winded way of saying: just start over and forget the past. Wipe everyone’s memories. Make people act like human beings, or at least somewhat rational superhero. I don’t know, this all sounds like a terrible way to fix a complex problem and this is more of a complaint than a solution. A meandering treatise on TV that I don’t really care that much about.

Heroes, make me care again.

My wife and I have been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, currently on Season 2, Disc 2. Especially taken as a whole, the series takes on a weight, filling its own history and backstory, providing stories that live beyond the confines of a mere pop-television show and add up to be something deeper and more meaningful. Who’s to discount this as a work of importance beyond entertainment? Or any television show with a complex plot and history for that matter?

Of course, as compared with the written word, this content of a much more commercial nature, but that’s in no way a platform on which to judge its content. After all, although early fables were formulated through an oral tradition as a teaching device, people like the Brothers Grimm were nothing more than creative types looking to sell and collect sets of stories [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Brothers_Grimm].

There’s mutability to modern storytelling and mythology that goes beyond the static nature of the page and returns again to the oral storytelling tradition. Creators like Joss Whedon (Buffy, Firefly) and JJ Abrams (Alias, Lost) have expanded their mythology to include various mediums. Comics, web, movies, fan fiction. The mythology is no longer tied to the page, and now, even the screen, out of the hands of the creators and into the hands of the fans.

Star Trek, long the bastion of fan interaction, hasn’t held this crown for the last decade. Its advantage has been eroded by lack of leadership for the brand, a single visionary to guide the mythology through various permutations.

It’s ironic, and somehow fitting then, that JJ Abrams is one directing the new version of the Star Trek movie.

Maybe it’s he that can expand the mythology to the places where it best deserves to be.

…that I just want Johnny Sack to use some kind of piano wire and choke the shit out of Hillary?

A politician, regardless of party, can’t just use a show like that and not expect someone to think the same thing.

(Attention secret service: I don’t want anyone to really do that. It’s a political commentary.)

How long has that Elizabeth Taylor White Diamonds commercial been on TV? 20 years? She’s in a wheelchair now.

Yet they’re still rolling that old chesnut out.

These have always brought me luck.

I’m not kidding – I wasn’t even in high school when it first came out. Frankly, I’m sick of seeing it.

I’m a huge fan of Colbert, so I’ll be more than happy enough to see the word "truthiness" earn its place in the vernacular.

However, I would like to suggest the following, one coined by either the infamous Gawker or Defamer websites:

celebutard

Which of course is the fantastic combo of celebrity + debutant + retard.

It describes the Nicole Richies and Paris Hilton of the world, famous for nothing more than being famous and stupid.

Use it.

Watching a primetime special on ABC about North Korea, and it really is the best media that I’ve seen on the country. Nothing before has really struck at the strangeness of the country and everday life for most of the citizens. I read a book about Kim Jong Il that gave detail of his genesis but precious little about the sci-fi like world that he has created.

Diane Sawyer’s report is showing all the stuff that I’ve been trying to discover through books and documentaries, but have yet to find until now. What the libraries look like, the empty department stores, the streets empty, only robotic traffic attendants goignt through the motions.

I don’t know why I’m so fascinated by this terrible country, its awful history and despotic leader. Maybe it’s because as a fan of science fiction, I’ve come to appreciate fantastic tales of strange cultures and omnipresent leaders.

This is as close as I’ll get to ever seeing that in my lifetime

(Picture via mfi @ flickr)

He’s also said some really dumb shit in public that just reinforce his jackass reputation. (Making fun of retarded kids and then saying something about freedom of speech. So brave, Spurlock, so brave.)

Nonetheless, as a filmmaker, Spurlock showed a lot of promise. He was funny, if not overly earnest. Thankfully, with the show 30 Days, we get the good without the bad. The Spurlock created show (in which he serves as narrator) gives people the chance to experience lives not their own. And it’s really great.

A “minuteman patriot” lives with an immigrant family in LA. Someone who lost his job to outsourcing travels to India and works in a call center. Living on minimum wage, living in prison, all things you can see on 30 Days. For documentary junkies, it’s a perfect show (and produced by RJ Cutler). It’s a brisk hour, but emotional and effectively cut.

Highly recommended.

I’ve also learned that Cesar has, like any good TV host, has a great series of stock phrases and catchphrases that he uses to inform the owners about their horrible practices.

So here it is. Something to put all that TiVo’d Dog Whisperer to good use. It’s the Dog Whisperer Drinking Game.

Take a shot (of beer, because really that’s too many shots of hard alcohol), every time that any of the following happens:

• Cesar says, “Rules, boundaries and limitations.”
• Cesar says, “Exercise, discipline and THEN affection.”
• Cesar ‘bites’ the dog with his hand.
• Cesar says. “Calm, submissive state.”

Take two shots when:

• Cesar’s wife Illusion walks a dog.
• Cesar’s kids walk near the dog.
• Cesar says, “My hand is the mouth and my fingers the teeth.”

Take three shots when:

• The pit-bull Daddy is used to rehabilitate other dogs.
• A dog is sent to live with ‘the Pack.’

Chug your beer when:

• Cesar gets bitten by a dog.
• An owner says, “But I don’t want to break his spirit.”

Hmmm. I’m sure there’s more. But I’m too drunk from playing this game to continue.