House of the Dead
House of the Dead is a movie based on the popular arcade game – I should just stop right there, shouldn’t I? Admittedly, I have on more than one occasion (drunk or not), picked up the plastic blue or pink shotguns and shot and CGI zombies. And you know what? It’s a fairly fun game. Of course, House of the Dead – The Game doesn’t have the most involving of plots – two police officers enter an estate where a mad scientist’s zombie monsters have run amok, and it’s your job to shoot the zombies. From the pantheon of material from which to pull plots from a movie, I could think of better, but for a horror movie, I could think of worse.
But House of the Dead takes that vaguely promising setup, and if it’s possible, makes it even more boring and incomprehensible. There’s not even a house in House of the Dead, nor are there police officers that shoot zombies. But there are zombies, (even though they are inexplicably Spanish conquistador zombies that wear helmets and look like Hernan Cortes). In a retarded, inbred version of every horror movie that has come before it, a group of Canadian teens-twenty-somethings go to an island where a huge rave is taking place. Lets forget for a moment that raves are so incredibly lame I can’t figure out why so many people would be inclined to gather for one in this day and age. Things indeed get off to a rousing, boring start as the kids party, disappear and are later joined by the main protagonists, whose names and likenesses I can’t remember.
Granted, I saw this movie more than a few weeks ago, but I had forgotten about it while I was watching the film. So here we go: I hated this movie and could barely pay attention. It’s a complete waste of celluloid that
no one should be subjected to. Playing to its videogame roots, the film actually incorporates footage from the game into the movie. Acting as some kind of little buffer between scenes of extreme shitiness, the videogame clips only serve to piss you off even more. You wish that you were in some arcade playing the game, rather than watching this movie. The awful Germanic filmmaker / sadist Uwe Boll, also likes to torture us relentlessly with shots that circle around the character. Fine it looks cool… the first time. But after about the thirtieth go-round, you realize that a circular dolly track with a high frame rate gets dull very fast.
I’m not kidding when I write this: people get killed, fight zombies and that’s it. That’s it!
I wish I had more to say about House of the Dead, but the depravity and hubris from which it was hatched make me wish that I wasn’t the samespecies as the people that launched this project. The only possible redemption of this movie is the naked breasts of some nubile Canadian girl, but alas that too is fleeting. The worst part of it all: because of some “clever” plot machinations, they’ve left the door opened for a sequel. I’m sorry Canada, this is one door that I’m going to close.
Movie Grade: F
Video: 3 out of 5
Whatever. I’m still pissed off about this movie.
Anamorphic Widescreen – 1.85:1
Audio: 4 out of 5
There are a few pretty aggressive tracks here, but most notably is the English 6.1 DTS ES track which is good, but not as aggressive as it could be.
English (6.1 DTS ES), English (Dolby Digital 5.1 EX), English (Dolby
Digital 2.0 Stereo)
Extras: 2 out of 5
Two commentary tracks, the first with the arrogant and foreign crew, the second with the producer. Uwe Boll seems to think his movie is great, yet knows embarrassingly little about it. It’s like they needed a warm body behind the camera. Producer Altman’s track is no more interesting (he’s a Harvey Weinstein type – blustering and bellowing about how good his movie is), but at least he acknowledges the fact that it didn’t
make any money. Deleted scenes – short and crappy. “Behind the House: Anatomy of the Zombie Movement” 30 minutes featuring interviews with George Romero (Night of Living Dead), Savini and a few other folks involved in zombie flicks. It’s a cursory glance, with plenty of bullshitting from the House of the Dead folks, but even this is at least twice as good as the actual movie. The worst extra by far is “Stacked for Zom-Bat: The Sexy Babes of House of the Dead Prepare for Battle!” which simply follows the seemingly indifferent lead actresses as they play the House of the Dead videogame, pose for photos and then give a half-hearted effort at paintballing. One question: WHY DID THEY WASTE SO MUCH MONEY DICKING AROUND WITH PAINTBALL? PUT THAT MONEY INTO THE FLICK, YOU DUMB BASTARDS!
Overall: 0 out of 5
No one should own or watch this movie. For eternity.