A List of the Worst
Here’s something short – a list of the five worst directors still working in Hollywood. They’ve made trash, yet time and time again receive a chance to drink from the sacred waters. I wish them the worst in the world. If you don’t agree, tell me why. From worst to worser:
Honorable Mention: Michael "The Casting Couch Lives" Bay.
Crimes: The Island, Armageddon, and Pearl Harbor.
Punishment: Court ordered destruction of all mirrors, combs, brushes and hair products.
5. Jan de "Mostly Failing" Bont
Crimes: Speed 2, The Haunting, Lara Croft
Punishment: A beating only stopped by Speed and his work as a cinematographer.
4. Rob "I’m Bald, But I Also Have Long Hair, Wear Leather and Sunglasses" Cohen
Crimes: Stealth, XXX, The Fast and the Furious, The Skulls, Daylight.
Punishment: Mandatory ego shrinkage, delete "rapid cuts" tool from editing software package.
3. Paul WS "Wonking S**tter" Anderson
Crimes: Alien vs. Predator, Resident Evil, Event Horizon, Mortal Kombat.
Punishment: Can no longer refer to self in third person; adapt video games.
2. Renny "Too Many Chances" Harlin
Crimes: Die Hard 2, Cutthroat Island, The Long Kiss Goodnight, Deep Blue Sea, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, Driven, Mindhunters, Excorcist: The Beginning.
Punishment: Lop off his golden locks, which provide him with the supernatural ability to suck the life out of anything he touches. Give him a soul which feels pain and emotion like normal humans.
1. Uwe "By Far The Worst… Really" Boll
Crimes: Building a career soley upon videogame movies: House of the Dead (which did not take place in a house, but rather a Spring Break party island), Alone in the Dark, the upcoming: Bloodrayne, Dungeon Siege, Far Cry and Hunter: The Reckoning.
Punishment: Restore his eyesight which so far has created some of the worst visual sequences in the history of cinema. This included cutting in VIDEOGAME footage into a movie to heighten the suspense and spinning the camera around like a whirling dervish.
More Punishment: Take him off the dissociative drugs which so far have lead him to direct actors so wooden that they appear to be CGI.
So, my first thought – and I’ll certainly need to give it more thought – is that your list is pretty close to spot on.
However, I’d suggest: giving Paul WS Andersen honorable mention (there were some okay moments in Event Horizon), dropping Renny Harlin to third (and taking Deep Blue Sea off the list, as it was a film so great and funny, I had to see it in the theaters TWICE – including once at the Temeku!), and then putting Michael Bay and Uwe Boll in a tie for first place.
Really, Michael Bay fucks things up so badly, it’s inexcusable. Uwe Boll is clearly operating on another plane – his films are so thoroughly bad, that I’m committed to watching them all on video (I’m 2 for 2 right now, because we won’t count his pre-video game film). Michael Bay, though, is bad in a boring way – which is even more unforgiveable.
Also, I listened to a random five minutes of commentary from Alone in the Dark, and man, is that good.
Michael Bay is the worst in my opinion because so many more people have been scarred by his crap movies. Die Hard 2? Cmon man..
Yeah, this list rings pretty true. Paul WS Andersen’s movies make me want to gouge my eyes out. I waited for an Aliens vs. Predator movie since 1995. When it finally came along, I was more disappointed then I’ve ever been in my life. Same with Resident Evil. I can’t wait to see which of my favorite childhood concepts he’ll fuck up next.