Barry Bonds Stole My Job
I hate Barry. That unbridled arrogance that comes from being the best player in the game. Yeah, I can admit it. He’s the single best player maybe to ever play the game. That doesn’t mean that I have to like him though. The way he points to the sky, the way he drops his bat…it all bothers me to no end. I hate you Barry. I hate you with almost all the fibers of my being (the rest of those fibers are used for the betterment of mankind, not hate. Oh and they’re used for eating too).
According to the people at the job I was applying to, I’m a finalist that they’re considering. I think this is a good sign… unless they meant that I was a finalist (cue ominous music)..FOR EXTERMINATION! Coming soon to a theater near you.
This is starting to sound like a Larry King article. Here’s the thing. I want to coin a phrase. Like “It was darker than a carload of assholes (Raymond Chandler)” or “till the cows come home” or “stupid as a bag of hammers” (one of the better ones). The following is a list of phrases. I hope that many, if not all of these, will come into popular usage. And I didn’t say they had to make any sense:
Read the following in a stupid, Dr. Phil, southern drawl:
1) He’s gonna do it ’till his mama can’t spank his ass no more.
2) It’s not worth two tits of a tit-mouse.
3) You can’t tell dust from snot, so don’t try to.
4) Two eagle feathers don’t make a jackrabbit.
5) You can eat dog shit on a warm day, but it isn’t better than waffles on a cold one.
6) A balloon bigger than your head may look like a tasty treat, but don’t bet on it Buster.
7) Crummy is as Crummy does.
You can’t see your own ass without a mirror.
9) A closed door is only good if it has a lock. (That sounds like a real, Dr. Phony…oops… Dr. Phil quote)
10) Harrison Ford is as Harrison Ford does. (Running out of ideas)
11) Running out of ideas is like running out of piss, it feels really good not to have any.