Some Things Not to Do
1. Pee into a sports top water bottle because you’re drunk and the party at your own house has way too many people using the bathroom. So many people, that eventually the cops come, but it’s too late for you because you have to pee so bad. So don’t pee into that bottle, half-filled with urine and the other half with water and spill it onto the floor of your room. That’s no good.
2. Drink a whole bottle of the sickly-sweet Bacardi Limon when you’re alone in your apartment, because it’s Sunday and you don’t have anything else to do and you certainly don’t have class the next day. After drinking the bottle (which I told you not to do), don’t crawl around the floor of your old, shitty, hot apartment and vomit into a plastic grocery bag, because that’s the closest thing near. It’s probably the closest thing near because all you eat are frozen dinners, and you’re such a slob that you throw the plastic bag on the brown carpet of your apartment.
3. Never play paintball on a recently healed ankle, fall down after tripping over NOTHING, scrape your hand and spend the rest of the day in incredible pain. Then, make sure that your hand doesn’t become infected and that the red tracts of infection don’t start creeping up your arm.
After reading items 1 and 2, I’m thinking, “OK, maybe he is referring to someone he knows that did this.” Well, more like trying very hard to convince myself that it’s not you. But then comes number three, which I know is all you, and there’s just no denying it. My boyfriend is a total moron. God help me!
Luckily, these are general hints. I never did any of these. Nope. And if I did, I have learned my lessons. That’s if I did, which I didn’t. No way.
Oh hey! Isn’t there some story you could tell us about someone you know? Something about sleeping under a tarp? Huh? In the back of a pickup?