Troy Patterson’s piece on Double Shot of Love, the new MTV dating show, had me nearly crying with laughter. Rarely is a television show so perfectly described as it is here.

The twins insist on the cast’s sex appeal relentlessly, pleading with the audience to disbelieve its libido. Still, the slatternly attire and attitudes of the women will suffice to captivate the core demographic—that is, semi-tumescent ninth-graders and the girls who seek their attention by making out with other girls at keg parties.

Just in case you’re wondering. This is going to be one of those reviews for a movie that I have no intention of watching carefully, and that isn’t worth your time. Frankly I’d be surprised if anyone in the creation of this film actually sat down and watched it.

We start with probably the most surprising moment of the film – a title-card saying it’s a film from Paramount Pictures. I need to check that that isn’t spelled Paramounntt or something like that. I just checked again. That’s Paramount. They made Indiana Jones. And apparently Escape from Mars as well.

A too-pretty-and-young-to-be-an astronaut tells us why she isn’t scared of flying to Mars. I’m not really listening, but I assume it has something to do with kittens, yarn and the artwork of Mary Englebright. That’s the kind of stuff that girls talk about, after all.

Mission Control looks like it was apparently built in my mom’s basement. And it’s staffed by the same people that work at the natural food market by my house: a bevy of long haired, glassy-eyed hipsters.

Is anything really “starring” Christine Elise? I think I recognize some of the actors in this film, but it’s hard to know with their clothes on. It’s a SkinMax’s stab at legitmate filmmaking. At least in those Cinemax movies, you know you’re making something bad. Ten minutes into the movie, in Cardboard Control, some hippies argue about bringing the shuttle back. Shouldn’t they have discussed this before they launched the most ambitious space mission in human history. Nice that they cram all of this exposition into such a small space. That must mean that there’s going to be a ot of action in the rest of this movie. Yup. Just waiting for that action to start.

Oh great. Along with all this space cheesiness, they slap on some flashbacks featuring meeting rooms that look like a dot.com cubicle. Jesus. Even the memories have to be this boring? One of the most important tennets of Robert Rodriguez’s Theory of Low Budget Filmmakng, is that you should load the front half of the movie with action. It’s bound to keep people interested. Escape from Mars makes no such attempt. This is a movie for the those unfortunate people with spinal cord injuries who can alone not change the channel.

Drifting in space, a crew member makes a veiled reference to the fine music of Nirvana. Yet the music coming out of the headphones sound more like the music Yanni would create by violent slapping his butt cheeks together. I don’t really remember Nirvana using flange guitar and sythesizer in their compositions.

Uh-oh. Someone said aboot. I smell the bacony stink of a Canadian production. I know this is a joke from Mystery Science Theater 3000 because it is one of my favorites. I don’t hate Canada but I generally hate Canadian movies that try to be American. As the ship spins aimlessly in space, the captain announces that he’s getting a divorce from an earthbound wife. Wait, let me write that again. He’s getting a divorce. Their systems are going down and he’s talking about his love life. Yup. I don’t know what’s wrong with the ship, because the screenwriter was sleeping on his very-easy-job again.

These astronauts apparently do nothing more than hangout in the AV room and doodle on sketchpads. If this is what the future holds, then count me in. I guess they solved their problem with the ship, because they’re running on the treadmll and doing the crosswords. The Russian’s astronaut’s accent turns from Eastern European to Sicilian at the drop of a very bad method acting hat. Also note: there is more than one reference to the Russian and vodka. It’s simply obligatory for any movie ever made.

Now the divorce is taking center stage. They threaten to pull the mission because of a divorce? Man, weird. Couldn’t they think of a better plot point than that? You know what this reminds me of? It reminds me of the time when I told you about the hippies talking in Cardboard Control about pulling the mission. It’s a lot like that. The hippies must be Catholic, because they’re very adverse to anyone being divorced before landing on the Red Planet.

Then there’s some kind of explosion which is just an excuse for them to hide the flimsy sets under a haze of rave-like fog. Even during the explosion, the crew sits in the AV room, while the one man without a mask attempts to fix all of the systems.

And why even bother with the stock footage of the 1984 Olympics, huh fellas? We’ll take your word for it that lots of people want to see the Mars landing.

Man this is a bad movie. There’s no real point. It plays more like something in the background of the natural history or space museum or some such shit like that. Then two astronauts step on Mars at the same time. And this is supposed to be exciting? I suppose it’s all leading up to something big at the end there. Well, only 40 mins to go…Slowly my mind is turning to mush. I can’t see straight, I can’t think straight. Why am I watching this? It’s fifty times worse than Assault on Dome 4. At least that had some semblance of a plot (although one ripped off from Die Hard).

On the surface of the planet, some of the astronauts enter a Tuff shed where they sleep at night. Kimberly is told that her husband has died at home. I don’t need to say that it’s against regulations to do so, but is nonetheless a requirement of movies such as this. Then the meteor shower hits. It’s as cheap as you can imagine. But instead of being excited I find myself lulled into a gentle sleep. I never thought I’d write this, but I long for the fatty- kung-fu antics of Steven Segal. Escape from Mars isn’t so much a movie as a collection of cheaply shot images and bad line readings. It’s hard to make fun of something in that nether region between terrible and incompetent. Damn
you Canada. Damn you.

Movie Grade: F-

Year: 1999
Written by: Peter Mohan and Jim Henshaw
Directed by: Neill Fearnley
Starring: Christine Elise, Peter Outerbridge and Kavan Smith.
Details: 90 mins / Sci-Fi Network / Rated PG

Buy this instead and support Lights Out Films

But House of the Dead takes that vaguely promising setup, and if it’s possible, makes it even more boring and incomprehensible. There’s not even a house in House of the Dead, nor are there police officers that shoot zombies. But there are zombies, (even though they are inexplicably Spanish conquistador zombies that wear helmets and look like Hernan Cortes). In a retarded, inbred version of every horror movie that has come before it, a group of Canadian teens-twenty-somethings go to an island where a huge rave is taking place. Lets forget for a moment that raves are so incredibly lame I can’t figure out why so many people would be inclined to gather for one in this day and age. Things indeed get off to a rousing, boring start as the kids party, disappear and are later joined by the main protagonists, whose names and likenesses I can’t remember.

Granted, I saw this movie more than a few weeks ago, but I had forgotten about it while I was watching the film. So here we go: I hated this movie and could barely pay attention. It’s a complete waste of celluloid that
no one should be subjected to. Playing to its videogame roots, the film actually incorporates footage from the game into the movie. Acting as some kind of little buffer between scenes of extreme shitiness, the videogame clips only serve to piss you off even more. You wish that you were in some arcade playing the game, rather than watching this movie. The awful Germanic filmmaker / sadist Uwe Boll, also likes to torture us relentlessly with shots that circle around the character. Fine it looks cool… the first time. But after about the thirtieth go-round, you realize that a circular dolly track with a high frame rate gets dull very fast.

I’m not kidding when I write this: people get killed, fight zombies and that’s it. That’s it!

I wish I had more to say about House of the Dead, but the depravity and hubris from which it was hatched make me wish that I wasn’t the samespecies as the people that launched this project. The only possible redemption of this movie is the naked breasts of some nubile Canadian girl, but alas that too is fleeting. The worst part of it all: because of some “clever” plot machinations, they’ve left the door opened for a sequel. I’m sorry Canada, this is one door that I’m going to close.

Movie Grade: F

Video: 3 out of 5
Whatever. I’m still pissed off about this movie.
Anamorphic Widescreen – 1.85:1

Audio: 4 out of 5
There are a few pretty aggressive tracks here, but most notably is the English 6.1 DTS ES track which is good, but not as aggressive as it could be.
English (6.1 DTS ES), English (Dolby Digital 5.1 EX), English (Dolby
Digital 2.0 Stereo)

Extras: 2 out of 5
Two commentary tracks, the first with the arrogant and foreign crew, the second with the producer. Uwe Boll seems to think his movie is great, yet knows embarrassingly little about it. It’s like they needed a warm body behind the camera. Producer Altman’s track is no more interesting (he’s a Harvey Weinstein type – blustering and bellowing about how good his movie is), but at least he acknowledges the fact that it didn’t
make any money. Deleted scenes – short and crappy. “Behind the House: Anatomy of the Zombie Movement” 30 minutes featuring interviews with George Romero (Night of Living Dead), Savini and a few other folks involved in zombie flicks. It’s a cursory glance, with plenty of bullshitting from the House of the Dead folks, but even this is at least twice as good as the actual movie. The worst extra by far is “Stacked for Zom-Bat: The Sexy Babes of House of the Dead Prepare for Battle!” which simply follows the seemingly indifferent lead actresses as they play the House of the Dead videogame, pose for photos and then give a half-hearted effort at paintballing. One question: WHY DID THEY WASTE SO MUCH MONEY DICKING AROUND WITH PAINTBALL? PUT THAT MONEY INTO THE FLICK, YOU DUMB BASTARDS!

Overall: 0 out of 5
No one should own or watch this movie. For eternity.

To: Dr. Uwe Boll
We, the undersigned, respectfully ask that Uwe Boll give proper weight to the wishes of the video game community, the horror community, and the film going community in general and stop directing, producing, or taking any part in the creation of feature films. His distasteful handling of the subject matter and lack of acknowledgement of his failures simply cannot be abided any longer.

Mr. Boll has repeatedly shown a complete lack of comprehension regarding the videogames he has dragged, kicking and screaming, to the silver screen and his ham-fisted approach to horror has soiled future possibilities for anyone else who may attempt to bring videogames to film.
Sincerely,

The Undersigned

Petition can be found here: http://www.PetitionOnline.com/RRH53888/petition.html

Please sign. Think of the children.

[via defamer, who write a nice post on the subject]

Darkwolf is the story of a wolf who is dark. And who wants to mate. That’s pretty much it. You know what kind of movie you’re getting into when it starts out with lovely, gratuitous nudity (and plenty of Playboy-like interludes to follow.) And then comes the cursing flood. I don’t have a problem with Pulp Fiction cursing, I have a problem with throwaway cursing like, “just open the fucking door, okay?”

The experience isn’t all together horrible. The horror film lite genre certainly provides a few jump scares and a modicum of suspense. But in general, the film is reminiscent of a below average episode of Buffy. Only, it’s not quite as interesting, or as funny. Add some pretty skanky CGI, and you’ve got some room for chuckles.

That’s not to say that the film isn’t a complete loss, though. If there’s one thing this film isn’t lacking it’s hot girls and gore. Naturally, most horror aficionados find this to be the most important aspects of low budget horror. Unfortunately with those good low budget elements comes the bad: Although she was great on Son of the Beach, Playmate Jamie Bergman doesn’t really play a cop well. She’s obviously eye candy. Then comes the expositional heavy dialogue (first this happens, then this). But, it’s still not as bad as Final Destination 2. Finally, in the greatest misuse of an actress in a direct-to-video movie, there’s Tippi Hedren. She was in a little film called The Birds. Ever hear of it? And Marnie too. I won’t begin to guess why she chose this role, and I won’t even make a joke about it.

So what’s the final word on Darkwolf? I suggest the following. Pizza, beer, friends (of the manly variety) and Mystery Science Theater commentary. This film isn’t going to win any awards, but I’ve seen worse.

Movie Grade: C-

Video: 3 out of 5
It looks like it was shot on Hi-Def, so the picture isn’t bad. A little soft, but that’s natural for a low budget film such as this.
Widescreen Anamophic 1.78:1

Audio: 3 out of 5
The audio isn’t bad. There’s a nice 5.1 mix that makes great use of sound scares and bass-y music. Surround isn’t really heavy, but where it is present, it works pretty well.
English (Dolby 5.1), Spanish (Dolby 5.1)

Extras: 3 out of 5
The making of isn’t bad. A little self important, though – it’s a low budget movie, it’s not American Beauty. No matter, the making of runs about fifteen minutes. There’s also a blooper reel and a trailer.

Overall: 2 out of 5
It ain’t Evil Dead. It ain’t Manos: The Hands of Fate. Somewhere, in that nebulous in between. The key? Lots of beer. Enjoy.

P.S. Some of the young cast, especially the two female unknown leads, show a lot of promise. They manage to rise above the material. Frankly, I’d rather see them than Ali Larter and Mena Suvari.

Buy Darkwolf and Support Lights Out Films

… it just fades away.

Spoiler Alert: I give away everything about this made for TV movie, but not like it matters. You won’t (or shouldn’t rather) watch this. It’s bad for your soul. You will go to hell if you watch this.

This is one of those fine films from the boys at TBS. Made for TV, made for fun. I don’t know what it is about these kind of movies that so fascinates me. The made for TV format usually calls for a dumbed down script and a film easily cut into a tidy-commercial-break format. That has a way of limiting what you can do. Unfortunately, what they’ve done here is even worse than usual.

Evil Never Dies stars Thomas Gibson formerly of one of the worst TV shows that ran for over four seasons, Dharma and Greg.

The basic gist: Detective Mark Ryan’s wife is killed in their home. It takes him a while, but he finally hunts down the killer and watches him as he’s put to death by lethal injection. All is well and good. Except for the fact that Detective Ryan is now drinking a lot and getting more cave-man like as the movie goes on. Thomas Gibson always seems to have some kind of befuddled look on his face, like the way a dog will cock his head to the side when they hear an unusual noise.

But of course, as we have learned from the title, Evil Never Dies. Well, in this case, it does die but it’s brought back to life by an idiot scientist and his impossibly shapely and attractive assistant (Katherine Heigl). Needless to say, this modern day Frankenstein begins wrecking havoc upon the unwary citizens of a small, Canadian-like hamlet. Note: he doesn’t go lumbering about like a proper monster should. Quite the opposite – he’s just a plain old human that likes to kill. You’d think that once getting brought back from the dead, you’d take a pretty low profile, get some hookers and go work in construction or something. Going around concocting overly-complex kidnapping and murder plans wouldn’t exactly be tops on my list.

For reasons only known to the plot gods, Gibson and Heigl end up as a team hunting down the evil monster lurking about. You know he’s evil because he has a widow’s peak and has dyed his hair dark black. Not only do Heigl and Gibson team up to fight evil (because it never dies, you know) they also team up in the sack in one of the most uncomfortable and unnatural love scenes in all of TV moviedom. They’re being stalked by a crazy, black haired freak, Det. Ryan has an warrant out for his arrest (don’t ask) and Heigl has been running around looking pretty and confused. So naturally, they must consummate their relationship in the middle of a stormy, plot-filled night.

Now the big twist. Near the end of the movie we find that…wait for it… Heigl’s character has been working with the killer all along! Oh…my…God! What a twist! What an amazing, original twist. I was so jaded and dulled by the rest of the movie that the mere reveal of her as a bad guy made me chuckle, shake my head disapprovingly and reach for another beer. Let’s just turn this movie off right now… oh… I have to watch the whole thing in order to review it. Really? The whole thing? But I know what’s going to happen ne…yeah. Journalistic integrity. I get it… but this is just a bad TV movie, I don’t have to watch that carefully right? OK. I guess I do “owe it to the filmmakers.”

The film was directed by Uli Edel – best known for other crappy TV movies, but mostly known for 1993′s fantastically naked bomb, Body of Evidence starring Madonna. Unfortunately, Evil Never Dies doesn’t feature any of the cheese that made that movie so enjoyable. And there’s no nude Madonna to drag us guys into watching it either. So we’re pretty much screwed on all fronts.

The idea with these movies should be to take the Bruce approach. You know it’s not going to be a good serious movie, so make it as cheesy and over the top as the market can bear. At least it’s fun for the audience. Why are they trying to punish us instead. No one should take something like this seriously. Not even the filmmakers. Not even Naked Madonna.

It’s not as bad as Escape from Mars, but it comes pretty darn close.

Movie Grade: D

Swept Away has been called 2002′s shittiest film. It’s the story of a rich, arrogant woman who gets swept away to an island with a gruff Italian fisherman. There, they fight and wait for it… and they fall in love. It’s a remake of the 1975 Italian film of the same name, with some huge changes. The original was filled with complex moral issues and questioned the nature of love. This movie abandons all that for a simplistic romantic plot with only a few hints of the complexity.

Swept Away is a film that fails on nearly every level. It’s too hateful and shoddily created to be a romance. It’s too light to be a drama. Even Ritchie’s overly slick commercial style isn’t fun with the boring landscapes and settings presented here. He’s a director so fond of slick camera moves that they always overshadow the material. Couple that with his headache inducing cutting and POV shots and not only does Swept Away make you long for the ending, but it gets you there with a pain in noggin. Not to mention that the film has more montages than VH1′s Behind the Music. Ritchie really needs to up his game.

Madonna starts overacting from the word go. Ok, she’s a bitch. We get it. She does even out later in the movie, but by that time you don’t care what happens to her. You don’t care if she and her little Italian friend live or die.